Through New Eyes and Ears

When Lance was on the road, swimming in oceans of strangers, he was working hard to engage people in conversations that didn't come easily. Lance had gone so far as to draft a taxonomy of The Strategic Conversation Starter Kit. It went like this.

1. Observe for clues of topical interest from a distance.
2. Engage with direct eye contact and a easy smile.
3. Venture a mutual observation.
4. Initiate a question with open ended response (not a yes or no answer)
5. Extend their answer into another question. Validate their expertise.
6. Share a response of sincerity and transparency on your part to build trust.
7. Introduce humor, as appropriate, perhaps mildly self-deprecating.
8. Conclude with thanks and something about the value you gained from them.
9. Disengage with a firm handshake or light touch.

(That, thought Lance, is what happens when you give a guy too much time alone on the road, with too little to do.)

But the problem he was trying to solve was to be able to teach how to meet other people more easily, one of the scariest things for many of his his workshop participants. Unfortunately, a nine step process isn't memorable. Imagine breaking down the steps of a kiss. No one wants to learn that way and the underlying human emotion driving the act is entirely missing.

So when Lance walked into his first day of work in Western Maryland after being alone on the road for almost three weeks, he expected to be awkward, stilted and maybe even a bit antisocial. Nothing could be further from the truth. He found himself fully engaged with people he used to avoid. He was relaxed, calm, happy and confident as never before, He focused on them as if they were the only people in the room. He listened intently and responded with empathy far beyond anything he had ever heard come out of his mouth before. The colors of the conversation were brilliant, the words were jewels strung together like pearls, his repartee flowed effortlessly as the conversation blossomed naturally and seamlessly. One, two, three, four conversations in a row. Tireless and timeless.

Somehow, during his exile, he had developed new eyes, ears and focus unlike anything he remembered in his adult years. Time stopped. Speaking truth was comfortable, even with relative strangers. He wrapped trust around the other person like a blanket and all sense of needing to escape, disengage, protect his time was gone. The silence he found in being able to turn off the demands of time and task opened up a world of intimacy and communication last experienced in a T-group in 1967.

What had changed? The state of mind he brought to the conversation, not the 9 steps of scripting. Now, he could stop, listen and hear beyond their words without impatience and judgement. Now, he could allow himself to be swept up in their energy and not feel he had to impose his. Now, he could dance to their music and partner them without fear of losing his balance. And when he needed to lift them to the next level of understanding and meaning, it was easy. The muscle was stronger. And what had become such a chore...the grin and grip, the meet and greet, the having to smile...was gone. It was natural, smooth, effortless and vivid.

For the first time in years, he felt like he had found someone inside himself who he had forgotten or lost. What he described later as "finding quiet enough in his mind to hear new sounds" around him was tangible, useful and replicable. If Lance could will himself to this state, shut down the distractions and ambient noise to focus on the more important messages in that moment, he could vastly improve his ability to communicate with others, both giving and receiving far greater value for the time spent. It wasn't about the steps he took to start a conversation, but the quality of attention he gave to each moment. So much of his time had been taken up with what would happen four steps down the path. In the silence, was the sound that mattered.

Finally, Lance could see the lessons of this trip were becoming useful. And the answers Lance was seeking seemed to be more about how to live life today, than what to do about the future. Paradox. Lance believed in paradox.