Lance has found when they get home from school or work, while they are still stewing in the drama of their day, they are prone to allow him into a window of private thoughts which closes later in the day. By 7 p.m., the time he used to get home, most of the drama is over, video games have stolen their attention and "How was your day, dear?" elicits little more than a grunt.
Lance vividly remembered every evening when his wife would to regale him with blow by blow narratives of the kids' first steps, their worst poops, their garbled words, or latest playground altercation with that unstated but evident implication that he couldn't possibly grasp the wonder of the moment since he wasn't there. Honestly, she was right. He didn't get it. It might have been cute at the time, but it rarely sounded compelling in the re-run. Now, it turns out, you really DID have to be there.
This month, Lance has been there. He was the one still at home when they woke up, wandered into the kitchen, headed out the door, headed back in the door, or hung out with them. His wife, now the full-time working partner, is more of the outsider. Lance sees his old self more clearly through her busy weekday schedule of meetings, classes, errands, weekend field trips, exercise classes, homework grading and volunteer board meetings. Even her newly acquired addiction to constantly monitoring her online courses on her home computer has raised the stress level of her life far above Lance's. "But it's my job!" has now become her battle cry, a familiar, if ironic, refrain.
Lance's 30 year history of his own driven weekday, weekend and evenings activities routinely kept him out of the day-t0-day life of his children. Nevertheless, he still used to rail at his wife's frequent observation that he was basically uninformed and out of touch with his family just because he wasn't there. As they say, showing up is 90% of the relationship with kids and if you aren't there, you can't get it. Lance never got it. Not really.
Always the dutiful male weekend warrior responsible for the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, anything with cars, bank deposits, house fixes, and weekend cooking (grilling), Lance pointed to his one or two days of domestic duty each week as if that balanced the scales of justice against her six to seven days a week.
Now Lance is the one who takes them to camp, to the dentist, shopping for school clothes, to get their car fixed, back to college, to the M.V.A., to get their hair cut, etc. Now Lance understands what his wife was talking about. Now he'll return to work in October minus the cavalier attitude of "don't worry, someone else will take care of it." Lance knows he'll miss these errands of mercy and opportunities to be of service at the moment of their need. He has added a whole world of special memories to his sabbatical yearbook that he hadn't expected. Maine was great family time, but home is where real family lives.
Much to his surprise, Lance now saw his children and wife for who they have become and less for who he remembered them to be ten years ago. And he loved what he saw. Where Lance Past was all about seeing behavior, judging behavior, scolding behavior, Lance Present is all about experiencing their energy, watching their action, listening to their heart. Amazingly his new silence and reticence to prescribe solutions has yielded much better results. They even stop in mid sentence, look at Lance and say, "I know you're gonna ask me what I'm gonna do about, what my choices are, what I could do better..."
Lance just smiles back.
And damned if they don't proceed to self-assess and re-direct themselves to their own solution, usually every bit as good as anything Lance could have contributed. It all began with Lance just being there. Listening patiently to their full train of thought. Remaining silent, even when they expected his advice. Giving them the "space" to work it out on their own.
And in the end, they determined their own their course of action. (Obviously, older children respond far better than younger ones to this, but better late than never!) Children just want to be heard, taken seriously, think things through for themselves, choose their own future course of action and own their results. Who knew?
Case in Point: Lance's oldest son and significant other who have been living in the basement of Lance's house for a year came bursting in the door at 4:00 on a recent weekday afternoon with the wonderful news that they had finally found an affordable nice townhouse. With unbridled enthusiasm, their words tumbled out, one tripping over the other, describing every detail of the property, their friendly agent, the pleasant neighborhood and the brief commute to work.
Now, sitting at the dining room table, Lance was proud witness to this milestone of life happening before his very eyes. He instantly knew this moment would make a memory forever. He also knew that by the time his wife got home that night, like a souffle that falls 90 seconds after coming out of the oven, the delicious taste may linger, but the out sized majesty of the moment would be gone forever. What an honor to be there, Lance sighed.
What was that scene worth? Lance couldn't help himself as he murmured, "Priceless, of course."
This concept of "being there" and "showing up" in life is hard to explain to youngsters entering the workforce. Just today, Lance read that 86% of young hires who leave within 6 months of being hired, do so because of a deficiency in attitude, not skills. Something about their demeanor, work ethic, values or chemistry with the staff just didn't fit and that alone, is enough for the employer to pull the plug. Lance had fired staff for such issues, although he often waited far too long in the vain hope that they would fix themselves. Rarely did they.
Sadly, Lance suspected most of those laid off workers never really understood what they had done wrong since they probably never knew anything other than the permissive culture of today's high school, college and even home life. Lance had his own mantra for the new employees. "Arrive earlier and stay later than your boss" was one of the first truths Lance told interns at his work. "Never be bored, find something meaningful to contribute and do it without being asked" was another. "Just because you don't HAVE to be there, doesn't mean you shouldn't show" up was one of the hardest to convey. You can't get it, if you don't get it (as the Washington Post ad goes...)
Which led Lance to back to an interesting conundrum in is own life. For three months, he has been away from his place of work. Regardless of why he was gone, where he had gone or what he was doing, fact was he hasn't been at work. So there will always be a 3 month gap in his work history and his professional relationships. No amount of briefing can replace not being there.
Lance can't do anything about it. After all, he made a calculated trade-off to go in search of self-awareness in another arena. But the likelihood his colleagues have emotionally moved on, built new bonds of trust and interconnectedness that don't run through him anymore, and have new stories and knowing looks between them he can never know. All of this is not just possible, it is inevitable. And the other possibility, that relatively few people even realized he was gone, could have equally humbling consequences.
people even realized he was gone, could have equally humbling consequences. Obviously, the journey isn't over. Tomorrow, workshops begin.
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