This past week has not been conducive to such calm reflection with the sudden, albeit blessed demise of his father-in-law, a long suffering 87 year old Parkinson's patient, father of ten and erstwhile church choir member. In fact, the day before his death, he suddenly sang out, loud and long from his hospital bed in his best voice with hymns and carols directed at everyone (and no one) for almost an hour. Why? How?
Perhaps God gives us one last burst of energy to say that which is left unsaid in our life just before passing, Lance thought. His own father, growing weaker by the day after a fall three years ago, suddenly regaled Lance at his bedside with stories of his youth some 80 years ago...stories Lance had never heard before. He spoke with eloquent clarity, enthusiasm and passion, then lapsed into the silence that precedes an exhausted death.
In both cases, these men struggled to get up from their bed as if they knew that if they could only get vertical, Death could not catch them. They both pleaded to be free from tubes, wires and restraints, but didn't have the strength or the self control to retain their freedom even if granted. Now Lance had clear feelings about the End of Life rules he would leave his relatives. The viewing, the funeral, and the family gathering was well managed, well attended and appreciated by the family much to his wife's relief. Closure would come later for her as it had for Lance in his time.
Meanwhile, back at Life, the last week of September (where did the month go?) signaled Lance it was time to cash in his winnings from playing the gaming tables of Lance Alone, Lance and Family and Lance in Workshops. So, gathering his chips, he decided to sort them into practical piles called What? So What? Now What?, a familiar format he uses in strategic planning workshops.
"What" are what lessons the Past has taught him: what made him who he is.
"So What" are the lessons of the Present: who is he understands himself to be, now.
"Now What" are the lessons he will carry into the Future, who he will become for the remainder of his life.
Today, Lance wants to talk about the "What" lessons of the Past.
Born of two civic minded parents in 1950, he was raised in a suburban homestead of modest, but adequate means and educated in the ideals of 70's era liberal arts when what you studied was rarely what you became. He barely escaped the Vietnam draft lottery by a fluke. Some early success teaching in a summer peer driven leadership program gave him life-long confidence in speaking, teaching and managing, Later, encouraged and empowered by several older mentors as a program administrator in the arts, he created an arts council, a professional theatre, a multi-disciplinary arts center and an education center/concert hall. Higher level visioning, marketing and lobbying became part of his professional repertoire by default, but took a deeper toll on his soul than he realized at the time. Meanwhile, his reputation as a leadership facilitator spread and workshops became an altruistic sabbatical, balancing his professional interests and network with his personal life and life mission.
A brief marriage in the late 70's was a deep failure for Lance, the first significant setback in his life. But within a few years, Lance married again, and this one stuck. It resulted in four children, three houses and the nest of a loving family he had known as a child. With the traditions of big holiday gatherings, Maine in the summer, music as a bond, BBQ's on the deck, a home where everyone can bring their friends (or dogs) without fear and much laughter, Lance's American Dream was secure.
Of course, if great character can only result from wrestling with grave crisis or failure, Lance is not a likely candidate for the stuff of legends. But, if courageous and continual self examination on a blog counts, there may be hope. Lance is not shy, as any reader of this blog can now attest. In fact, he has encountered remarkably few people quite as prone to share their stories as he has become. That may be a blessing and Lance is painfully aware his own journey into blogging is often tedious to readers.
Back in the early years of Strathmore, a reporter doing a feature on him pronounced him "difficult to know" even to his friends. Portrayed as a cagey, too enthusiastic to be true, "pillow shaped" proselytizer for his cause, Lance was stung by the cynical caricature. (He really winced at "Pillow shaped" which while true, seemed an unnecessary and unfortunate descriptor.) It hurt because Lance prides himself on speaking only what he believes. (He's tried to do the insincere thing but can't seem pull it off effectively.) The truth is the root of his public passion and the reason he eschews scripted remarks. If you believe what you are saying, if you live what you are saying, then the truth can set you free from scripted and rehearsed speeches. Of course, there are times Lance doesn't speak at all...those are the times to pay attention to his silence. Lance's best speeches are focused, timely, informative but always attentive to the audience and to their concerns, even if unspoken.
Lance's father taught him those values as someone who addressed more hostile groups than most as a spokesperson during the decade long building of the Washington Metro. He could win over an audience in a living room or a hotel ballroom with self-deprecating wit, honest facts and the natural ability to listen to their concerns and respond to them without fear. That is what people want someone to listen to them and respect their opinions. Giving truth to them is not manipulative, its responsive.
Lance vividly remembered being publicly roasted during the fundraising and building phase of the concert hall by certain skeptical politicians, a few outspoken neighbors and a couple of cub reporters in search of a headline. He knew, even at the time, that was the price of going where there were no maps. His Dad taught him leaders get shot at. Now, five years later, few remember the heat and even fewer stand by their early verdicts of doom and failure. But for Lance, it was a crucible that melted him to the core and when he emerged again, he was not the same man. It wasn't a failure, but it was life changing.
Having replayed most of his memories of growing up, raising his own family, his working life and snapshots of the mind from the first 60 years while driving 5,000 miles this summer, Lance found little to regret in the choices he'd made.
What he does regret are the choices he didn't make even when the opportunity presented itself. The higher level college classes he never took. The girls he never dated. The shows he never did (West Side Story!) the weekends he missed with his children while on the road. The nights he stayed at work until curtain call, so they were long in bed by the time he got home. The foreign language he never learned, the Maine cabin he never bought, the cruise he never took with his Mother and Father, and the book of poetry he never wrote with his wife.
But most of all, Lance learned how lucky his life has been, how blessed his family is now and how rich he can make every single day, just by paying attention to the teeming life all around him.
If that isn't honest enough for that reporter, nothing will be.
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