Feeling the Stones

"I am walking across the river, feeling the stones with my feet." Old Chinese saying.

Lance came across that statement in the Chautauqua newspaper delivered daily to hotel guests. AS he sat rocking on the front porch of the Hotel, listening to the morning Bell Tower concert, it spoke to him about this trip and his third chapter of life question.

Perhaps, this is the season of life when he can care less about The Big Plan and more about The Little Moments. Maybe it's safe now to trust instinct, feel his way across the river of time with nothing but his feet, and listen to the song in his head and heart even when everyone around him is shouting advice. Isn't this exactly when he could/should trust the person within ,the creature he spent a lifetime becoming? If not now, when? Lance felt a calmness deep in his soul now, no more fear of the future. Of not knowing what was "under the water' of the river he was wading in. Of clarity about the role of others in his life by separating the anguish of dependency from the grace of unconditional love. It is impossible to truly live for the love of others. But it is equally impossible to live for the love of self, alone. Lonely and alone are different.

Lance was returning from the sold out Tim Conway show at the Amphitheatre last night when he came upon an elderly couple, sitting on the Hotel porch, enjoying the blessed cool of the evening. She, sitting quite erect in her white blouse with a shawl thrown over her lap, and he, slumped a bit forward, dressed in striped polo shirt, blue shorts and a blue and white baseball cap, were the picture of contentment. With only the slightest provocation from Lance, they were happy to talk about the virtues of retirement. She quit working just before her first husband died. Never looked back and never regretted it. "When you're working, it's for other people and not yourself. You need time to do the things you always wanted to do." Lance could tell from the tinge of bitterness in her voice, her work and perhaps marriage, had not been satisfying. She had deferred her own dreams beyond the limitations of that life. Now, she said she knew of no one who was retired who regretted the decision. No one? The man, at first silent, came to life and chimed in. "We come here several times a summer, travel a little, and play golf in Pebble Beach."

No one? Lance was surprised to hear such a lusty defense of the virtues of stopping working. It may come down to what is work? They seemed to be saying that working for someone else's benefit, aside from your paycheck, is not intrinsically gratifying. So, the real payback is something many people defer to this time of life called retirement. In fact for them, it isn't retirement, it is advancement.

But Lance has known life affirming, self-actualizing, joyous fulfillment in his day job. So how does he "retire" from that which one most seeks? Clearly, some people need to retire (retreat?) from a life that makes them postpone their own dreams. Others may need to renew (retool?) their work life to ensure that it continues to satisfy and advance their dreams. And still others, may need renew themselves by moving to a fresh new mission or vocation which may require leaving their old job. Lance realized it isn't about leaving, its about allowing yourself to arrive in a better place...even if it looks like the old place. But it must feel better.

For Lance, at this time of life, it could mean returning to work, but with a new set of eyes, ears and a stronger internal GPS. The new eyes should see the need, not the want, in others and always see the good before the bad. The new ears, should hear the internal song to which he can choreograph his unique life's dance, ever trusting in the placement of the stones beneath the water even when no one else can see them. And the GPS? It can never choose where you are going, but it does tell you where you are at every moment. The only way you can lose your way in life, is to stop knowing where you've been and where you are right now.

Lance knew it was time to move on. Chautuaqua had done its job. Besides, he was too young for permanent residency.